Two Words That Can Improve Your Influence

Can a couple little words really make a difference in your ability to influence someone, such as a customer or stakeholder?

I just read a summary of Jeff Mowatt's new book Influence With Ease. Though I'm not recommending it as an addition to your reading list, I did appreciate the reinforcement that small changes to how we phrase things can make a big difference.

Pop Quiz: What two words helped waiters and waitresses to increase their tips by 12%? "Thank you" comes to mind.

In this article Mowatt talks about using the phrase "for you." Waitresses who said "I brought more coffee over for you" notably increased their tips over those who asked "Would you like more coffee?" Using "for you" helps the service to feel more personalized.

What if you're not waiting tables? Give some of these a try:

• "Here's a site I found for you. It looks like it addresses some of the questions we discussed."
• "I updated the document for you based on your input."
• "That finishes what I intended to cover in this meeting. Before we wrap up, is there anything more I can do for you?"

In a sense this calls back to what Dale Carnegie taught us decades ago in How to Win Friends and Influence People: "You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you."

(By the way, here's a recommendation for you: add Carnegie's book to your must-read list if you either haven't read it or haven't gone over it again in the last 5 years.)

You can radically improve your influence by focusing on the other person and their needs instead of yourself and your needs. Though there's no phrase that will magically get others to comply in every situation, consider adding a little "for you" into your comments this week.

We offer keynotes and workshops that can help you and your team improve your ability to influence, even when you don't have authority. Contact us today to learn more.

Labels: influence, leadership

posted by Andy at 12:11 PM

How to Say "No" (Without Saying "No")

So, how do you say "No" when doing so feels like it could be, say, a career limiting move? Advice abounds, often over-simplifying the stakes by not taking into account the complexities of saying "No" to someone like a boss or by not giving specific enough strategies.

In a recent newsletter article I give some practical ways to say "No" without saying the letters N-O.

Here's your chance to join the conversation: How do you handle situations when everything inside of you wants to say "No", but there are other pressures to say Yes?

Add a comment to this blog entry to share your insights.

Labels: accountability, conflict, denial, executives, influence, leadership, managing up, project sponsors

posted by Andy at 12:03 PM

What Shamu Can Teach You About Your Boss

One of the dirty little secrets of managing is that, over time, you'll do more managing up and out than down. But that's easier said than done. What are some important lessons learned about managing up?

I recommend Dan and Chip Heath's article in FastCompany entitled, "Your Boss is a Monkey". They take lessons from Amy Sutherland's book What Shamu Taught Me About Life, Love, and Marriage and apply them to managing "another irritable mammal: your boss."

A couple observations that aligns with how we coach leaders:

• Every interaction is training. We are constantly sending out signals to those we work with. I'm not talking about some mystical energy here. Rather, we are constantly reinforcing lessons to those around us. If we let Bob slip in 2 hours late each morning without any discussion, you've taught Bob and everyone else around him a lesson: getting to work on time isn't really that important. If we keep delivering miracles to make up for lack of process in the organization, we reinforce the belief that all that process stuff is a waste of time. What messages have you inadvertently been sending lately?




• Reinforce good behavior! This seems so obvious but we often miss opportunities to catch people doing things right! We can be black belt whiners, for sure. Reinforcing your positive expectations of people can lead to them living and performing up to your expectations. Call out the good when you see it.

I'd like to think that we humans are less susceptible to the type of manipulation that the authors are suggesting. Yet in practice I've seen it work over and over. I'm working with a coaching client right now that is learning to flip her boss a mango when he delegates instead of micro-manages. Over time, I'm optimistic there will be progress.

Keep in mind that the "monkey" article's advice to "ignore the bad behavior" has limitations. There's wisdom in not over-reacting. Counting to 10 (or 100) has saved many careers!

Yet "apparent indifference" does not always "smother the fire." In fact, for some bosses, it will pour fuel on the fire as it sends the signal that you don't care. Though the Heaths discount aligning styles and expectations as techniques, there is enormous leverage in understanding the art and science of such approaches. They are too critical to chalk up as "goody-two-shoe" training grovel.

Want to learn practical skills on how to manage up more effectively? Join our Leadership Fast Track Program starting in June! Click here for details!

Labels: accountability, conflict, executives, influence, leadership, learning, managing up, personality styles

posted by Andy at 10:34 AM

How the Conflict in the Taxi Ended

In a recent newsletter I related a true story of conflict that happened in a taxi on a cold night in Boston. If you haven’t read the story, click here to read it before continuing (it takes 2 minutes or less).

So, how did I respond when the driver spewed, “No! You said Hampton Inn at the airport!”

I first took a deep breath to keep from lashing out. After all, my family was in the backseat and it was important that I not do anything that puts them in danger. I knew that more than my (now nervous) wife was in the back seat. Three little ones were watching what Dad was going to model.

I looked into the driver's eyes, replied firmly but respectfully, “No, I said Monsignor O’Brien Highway. Take us to the Hampton Inn on Monsignor O’Brien Highway, now.”

He wasn’t happy but he did take the next right turn. We were suddenly in a dark, rough looking neighborhood that I’m sure didn’t do much to settle my wife’s nerves!

I pulled out my cell phone and called our hotel. In a voice loud enough to make sure the driver heard, I asked the front desk approximately how expensive a taxi fare from our origination to the hotel should cost. I repeated the answer out loud, “Did you say $15? Thank you.”

The taxi fare was already over $20, with at least 10 minutes to go.

As if I thought he hadn’t heard me (you never know with this driver!), I calmly but firmly told him, “I will be paying you $15 for this trip.” I didn’t have to speak his language to understand the essence of what was said under his breath.

I didn’t respond.

We were never so happy to see a Hampton Inn. The family poured out of the backseat with a collective sigh.

The driver knew he wouldn’t get his $35 taxi. Much to his surprise, I pulled out a $20 bill and told him to keep the change. A bit stunned, he responded, “I’m sorry for the mistake.”

Not all conflict ends quite this amicably. Enjoy it when it does. Though I don’t naturally use a Competing conflict style often, a controlled version of it worked in this case, followed by a Compromising pay out at the end.

We can help you learn to manage conflict with more confidence. Our Beyond the Rock and the Hard Place can be delivered in a keynote, workshop, or e-learning formats. Click here for more information.

Labels: Beyond the Rock and the Hard Place, conflict, crisis, influence, leadership

posted by Andy at 11:57 AM

Improving Your Influence

How effective are you at influencing others? How can you convince someone to agree to your proposed approach, particularly when you don't have authority over them? Or when it's not as simple as getting a bunch of facts together? Or when there may be some natural tension between what you both want?

How would it impact your job (and life) if you could be more influential?

John Maxwell summarizes leadership in one word: Influence. One of my favorite books on the topic is from Robert B. Cialdini. In Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion, Cialdini offers up what he calls the "weapons of influence" to help us all better understand how influence works.

This book is packed with insights that can help every aspiring leader be more influential. You will find the ideas in the book easily accessible even if you don't have a background in psychology.

Cialdini serves up an enjoyable, practical, yet scientifically documented work that centers around what he calls the weapons of influence. Packed with entertaining and insightful stories, Cialdini helps us understand how each of the weapons work. Perhaps as enlightening is his advice on how to defend against the weapons when others wield them on you.

Here's an example: one of the weapons is referred to as reciprocation. The rule says that we should try to repay, in kind, what another person has provided us. In fact, Cialdini's research finds we often feel obligated to future repayment of favors, gifts, invitations and the like.

However, he also finds the rule of reciprocation can trigger unequal exchanges. I have a friend who raises funds for a non-profit. Like me, he uses Send Out Cards (SOC) to stay in touch with people using real cards instead of e-mail or e-cards. One of the many nice features of SOC is you can include a gift along with the actual card. He included a $10 Starbucks gift card inside a "we missed you" card to 10 people who were unable to attend an event. Within a week, two of those people sent him checks for more than $1,000.

It's reciprocity in action.

Ever get free return mailing labels from an organization asking for donations? How about free samples where you shop? As it turns out, Cialdini finds they all may not be as free as we think! In fact, researchers have found that simply giving customers a candy or mint along with their bill significantly increases tips!

I'm not suggesting you use sleazy, deceptive means to get what you want, on the job or outside work. There can be a fine line between influencing and manipulating.

But Cialdini's book is packed with ideas that, with some consideration and proper intentions, can help you persuade a project stakeholder that a certain decision is best. Or that another group needs to deliver on time when they normally don't share your sense of urgency. Or when you need a team to work longer hours but don't want to force it on them.

Actions for Leaders

• I wholeheartedly recommend you add Cialdini's book to your reading list. I'd love to hear your insights after you read it.
• Contact us about our keynotes and workshops that can help you and your organization significantly improve your ability to influence others. We help develop leaders around the world on this vital topic, and it would be a privilege to explore the potential of helping your organization as well.
• Send Out Cards is a simple and practical way to improve your influence and show people how much you care about them. To learn more (and send a couple free ones on me) click here. Then click on the banner with the moving arrow.

Labels: Books I Love, conflict, influence, leadership, managing stakeholders

posted by Andy at 11:11 AM

What Shamu Can Teach You About Your Boss

One of the dirty little secrets of managing is that, over time, you'll do more managing up and out than down. But that's easier said than done. What are some important lessons learned about managing up?

I recommend Dan and Chip Heath's article in FastCompany entitled, "Your Boss is a Monkey". They take lessons from Amy Sutherland's book What Shamu Taught Me About Life, Love, and Marriage and apply them to managing "another irritable mammal: your boss."

A couple observations that aligns with how we coach leaders:

• Every interaction is training. We are constantly sending out signals to those we work with. I'm not talking about some mystical energy here. Rather, we are constantly reinforcing lessons to those around us. If we let Bob slip in 2 hours late each morning without any discussion, you've taught Bob and everyone else around him a lesson: getting to work on time isn't really that important. If we keep delivering miracles to make up for lack of process in the organization, we reinforce the belief that all that process stuff is a waste of time. What messages have you inadvertently been sending lately?




• Reinforce good behavior! This seems so obvious but we often miss opportunities to catch people doing things right! We can be black belt whiners, for sure. Reinforcing your positive expectations of people can lead to them living and performing up to your expectations. Call out the good when you see it.

I'd like to think that we humans are less susceptible to the type of manipulation that the authors are suggesting. Yet in practice I've seen it work over and over. I'm working with a coaching client right now that is learning to flip her boss a mango when he delegates instead of micro-manages. Over time, I'm optimistic there will be progress.

Keep in mind that the "monkey" article's advice to "ignore the bad behavior" has limitations. There's wisdom in not over-reacting. Counting to 10 (or 100) has saved many careers!

Yet "apparent indifference" does not always "smother the fire." In fact, for some bosses, it will pour fuel on the fire as it sends the signal that you don't care. Though the Heaths discount aligning styles and expectations as techniques, there is enormous leverage in understanding the art and science of such approaches. They are too critical to chalk up as "goody-two-shoe" training grovel.

Want to learn practical skills on how to manage up more effectively? Join our Leadership Fast Track Program starting in June! Click here for details!

Labels: accountability, influence, leadership, personality styles

posted by Andy at 9:00 AM